Peeling Back the Silence

a poem by Roger B. Rueda

The first time she combed my hair,
I was six. Her hands were sure,
parting my hair into straight rivers,
her fingers slicing the waves,
steady as a machete through banana leaves.
She braided tight, pulling the strands
into patterns only she could weave,
as if binding something unseen,
something secret,
into the braids.
“You’ll thank me when you’re older,”
she said, her voice like a lock snapping shut.
In the kitchen, the smell of frying bananas
spun in the air, sticky-sweet,
her hairpins clinking between her teeth.
I believed her then, her care sharp as sunlight
through the slats of a nipa roof.

The last time she combed my hair,
I was sixteen. Her movements were slower,
as though the years had weighed
on her wrists, but the comb still tugged
with the same tension.
Her silence hung like damp laundry,
each fold holding its disapproval.
“Don’t cut it too short,” she muttered,
her voice brittle, the words falling
as if each weighed too much.
“It doesn’t suit you. And no one likes
a boy who doesn’t look proper.”

She didn’t know—or maybe she did—
that I wasn’t waiting for anyone to like me.
I never told her who I was,
but her words hunted me,
unseen arrows through the undergrowth.
“One of those boys,” she called me once,
her tone filled with ash,
like a fire smoldering in her throat.
“What kind of life is that? Who will
understand you?” Her words struck
harder than the silence that followed,
both lingering,
both heavier than her hands.

Still, I think of those hands,
how they worked through my hair
like gardeners taming vines,
their firmness hiding
a kind of tenderness.
These were the hands that braided me tight
enough to last a school day.
The same hands that wiped my tears,
cool and certain,
when I came home bruised and ashamed.
“You’re tougher than this,” she whispered then,
and her words stayed,
iron-strong, unbending.
She carried contradictions
as easily as she carried baskets of fruit,
balanced and effortless,
a strength I never understood.

Now, I see those hands in the kitchen,
peeling bananas with practiced ease,
the skins falling in soft curls
on the cutting board.
The fruit, bruised in places,
still sweet, still good.
She sliced them into pieces,
the blade moving with the rhythm of habit,
and the oil hissed on the stove
as golden edges crisped.
I wonder if, in those quiet hours,
she doubted herself,
if her judgments tasted bitter
in her own mouth.
Did her words echo back to her
in the silence of the phone line?
Did the shadows in her kitchen
whisper the things
she couldn’t bring herself to say?

To understand her
is to understand myself.
Her judgments cling to me still,
like the caramel scent of bananas
cooked too long,
familiar and inescapable.
She was the tug of the comb
and the hush of her hands after.
For every sharp remark,
there was a plate of fried bananas
pushed toward me,
still warm,
her fingers brushing mine
as if saying more than words could.

I think of her often,
dissecting her the way you would
an eye.
The iris, deep and dark,
reflecting both her fears
and her tenderness.
The cornea, thin as glass,
sometimes clouded
but clear enough to see
when she wanted to.
The lens, a secret vault,
holding everything she’d seen,
but never spoken aloud.
Each part of her holds a truth
I’m still untangling.

I don’t know if forgiveness
is something I owe her—or myself.
But I know she was never just one thing,
and neither am I.
She is the comb that hurt
and the hands that healed.
She is the judgment
and the quiet care.
And in peeling back her contradictions,
I am peeling back my own.

She used to say bananas,
when ripened just right,
taste sweetest where they bruise.
I think of that now,
as I sift through her legacy.
The core remains—soft,
imperfect—
but it glimmers faintly.
Perhaps it always will.